Processing Change

Parents guide their children toward that which they believe will help them become all they can be under God.  I know I have.  Yet sometimes, in spite of all our praying, teaching, and working towards that goal, our kids have different plans.

Our son has had a string of job failures since graduating from high school.  He cannot seem to find his place, you know that spot where he can be needed and feel successful.  I feel guilty in spite of the realization that I don't know what else I could have done short of giving him every single waking minute of my time.

After the last failure in which he quit attending his vocational education class and didn't tell us, he has gone another direction.  He is camping out in the nearby hills.  That's what he calls it. I call it living in a homeless camp.

His new 'friends' are homeless and on welfare.  He sometimes brings them home.  I give them a meal and offer them a shower.  They can also do gardening chores for some quick cash.

I thought I was handling this temporary fling ok but now I am faced with the realization that he may want it to become permanent.  I cannot sleep and I awake in fits of crying which I can't seem to have any control over.  I am not ready and I need to process this possibility, as it is not one I have ever allowed myself to even consider in my consciousness previously.

How on earth my precious gift from God could find himself so unworthy is heartbreaking to be sure.  He knows how much I adore him.  I fear he will slip into self-medicating given he is unable to stably take his prescription medications when he is not here.  Meanwhile he comes and stays and then he goes.

I have acquaintances who have some familiarity with such doings.  I talk to them and they speak about learning to let go.  I am a teacher who never gives up on a child.  I can never give up on my own son. I will never ever do that, not in life and not in death.  So I must consider what this 'letting go' means to me.  I have already learned to give him space here at home as he has become an adult.  I have granted him his privacy too, both here and in his current life.  But watching him squander his opportunity to be happy and be productive is truly something I know not how to do.

I am a fighter. I dig in my heels, research like crazy, and hone in on a successful scenario like a drone bee.  I never quit...not on my self or on  my marriage.  I have some experience in this arena, and truly doubt it is in me to give up on anyone I love....because the one time I let him go, fearing he would end up dead without me, he got leukemia and died.  Ouch.  So I became the warrior woman I remain today.

I pray and place myself and my son in God's hands and wait on the Lord for guidance, for truthfully, I am completely outside my realm  in this and must have much to learn to move through this.

How do you process necessary change in your life?  I am all ears.

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Meeting Jesus / Finding Peace: Grieving a Loss

Meeting Jesus / Finding Peace: Grieving a Loss

Accountability; How Much is Just Right?

Today is the start of a new beginning for my twelve year old son, although he doesn't know it yet. He has a Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder which significantly impairs his executive function abilities. Rusty fails to organize anything, basically.

When he comes home from school, he will be held accountable for organizing and cleaning his room. This has been tried numerous times before, with no sustainability. This time, we aim to keep it organized.

He will be told that he must clean and toss or else I shall do it for him. He will not be allowed to leave for the weekend on the Boy Scouts Expedition he has planned UNTIL his room is cleaned.

He will have to make his bed, beginning with the clean sheet and pillowcase which I placed lovingly on top of his mattress. He will then have to complete a myriad of chores, including washing the clothes he left on his floor. He will not do anything else except homework until he completes all his chores. Should he act out and fail to complete his chores, he will then lose television rights for two weeks.

Harsh? You bet. I have to be. He is mouthy, disrespectful, disobedient, and horrific to me on a daily basis. This is why he has a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiance Disorder.

This will begin upon our return from our meeting with the LA County Mental Health provider. The county seems to think this child no longer requires Wrap-A-Round services, and I think otherwise.

I am on the verge of losing this child. He doesn't listen to me whatsoever, unless there is another adult present.

Why? Let's not go there just yet.

I have become educated in his disability; I returned to school, became a Special Educator (Resource Specialist), taught for years, quit due to the sheer amount of time it takes him to complete his homework, and have struggled with his behaviors continuously. I am now an Advocate and Educational Therapist who works diligently to ensure that children's rights under IDEA and Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act get met in California schools.

My son has had many interventions to date: Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy, Behavioral Intervention, Educational Therapy (Bal-A-Vis-X, Interactive Metronome, PACE, Lindamood-Bell), Samonas Sound Therapy, Auditory Integration Training, etc. Currently, he has a one-to-one Paraprofessional shadow him at school and daily tutoring after school with a gifted high school student who is also a family friend. His tutor (otherwise known as Helper Number One) is a gifted clean-cut senior who is already pre-accepted into college one year early; in short, he is an excellent role model for my son.

The one area of failure, defined as an area in which he has made zero progress, is in organizing. My guy doesn't buy into the concept that everything has a place and we put everything away in its place.

Here's where the parental angst hits me. How much can I realistically expect? What system can I create for my son which he is capable of maintaining without my needing to cue him step by step?

Ay, there's the rub...

So, I have set up a very basic drawer system, labeled; one drawer for socks, one for underwear, etc. His closet had a system but it is not being maintained, so methinks it is time to invite back the fantastic neighbor (Helper Number Two) to help him get that set up. This gentleman is an adult who is severely learning disabled and was unable to complete high school. He is on SSI and lives with his sweetheart of a mother. My son looks up to him and he has the best video and computer games on our block! His mom has become my boys adopted Grandmother. This fantastic man has helped my son with his bedroom before and will be more than happy to do so again. I am very blessed to have his help. One visit per week for the next six months should just about do it.

Now you know the supports we have set up to function as our son's 'External Brain.' Beyond this help, prayers are always welcome.